Tell us about the experience of being outside, looking in — however you’d like to interpret that.
I have spoken of, on this blog, of the bullies I had to put up with at primary school and early high school. It was torture. I was a small kid, the youngest in his year by several months, from the rural countryside with a slight lisp (which left as I moved towards upper primary). I had just moved to the city to attend school, and I was travelling for two hours up and two hours back in a car to get to and from school. Exhausting physically and mentally on an eight year old kid who knew nothing of city life, who got a bad time from inconsiderate teachers who knew nothing of the feeling of being on the outside.
People underestimate the power of small kids on other kids. Even in what I thought was a modern society to be growing up in I got a bad time, and this affected my schoolwork. I got annoyed, I got stressed out – yet I managed to keep myself in check better than the bullies who got away with murder, so to speak. It’s frustrating even now for me to have someone disregard your efforts, through all you may encounter in life. Some people may say that by hating others disregarding your efforts you are a self-centred person. Well it’s the exact opposite because I hate being centre of attention, I generally don’t think about myself.
I spent last night writing two pages of thoughts (which I never do) on paper, explaining to myself what I feel like, gaining some kind of idea of what might be the cause of what I’m feeling right now, even if it isn’t dealing with bullies. Complications have made me somewhat uneasy and now I have this buzzing energy inside my head, noticeably at night, like I’m on edge. This has resulted in a week’s worth of insomnia. I’d prefer not to say what it is that’s bothering me on the blog, but I can tell you this: I feel like I did. I feel like an outsider. I feel like my efforts are doing no good. I want to do good. I heard a Priest (which is surprising since I am not religious in any shape or form) tell the story of the three brothers, the camels and the Magi, which is also a popular maths puzzle. Despite not being religious there is a lesson learnt here:
“No matter how poor you are, you can share and give emotionally, physically and in your worldly belongings. By not sharing and giving these things, even if you yourself are poor, you will never get anything out of it. Nothing will come of it. But by sharing you will help. You may [such as in the story he told] even get a profit.”
It caught my ear, because it is of particular relevance to myself. I give. I am actively giving more. I am actively learn how to give more. But what happens when you lose faith in yourself? What happens when you feel singled out? You begin to feel on the outside.